Monday, 29 September 2014

Cancer and hanging on to the normal things.

Those of you who know me well enough to have sat down to a meal with me at the same table, probably also know that I am a very expressive eater, Brendan and others may say loud even...and I don't mean chewing loud, I mean I really enjoy my food..mmmm kinda loud. I'm a mmm'er every other mouthful. It's been a bit of a family only joke for many years. Now I'm out and proud, it's my Italian heritage, my passionate love of food, it's me... the noisier I am the better I like it! 

Those who don't know me quite so well, don't know that this also happens as I'm drifting off to sleep...I love my bed too! The other night as I drifted off I made [apparently] a very loud mmm and my husband started laughing at me. This in turn woke me up and made me mad at him; and I got up him for waking him up. This made him laugh louder which made me madder and I thumped him in the arm, which made him laugh even harder… and then I got the giggles and couldn't stop!

We have spent many a night in fits of giggles over the years during a quick chat before drifting off to sleep...just like most couples have done. The fact that this can still happen at the moment, with everything else that's going on is the stuff that keeps the keel even, that centres me and lets me know that everything is ok, regardless of what we are going through. We are still the same couple we were before all of this happened. And will be when we come through it.

This brings me to another point; the story above is not the first time I have gotten angry with my husband since he has been sick. There have been several, and I couldn't even tell you now what any of them were about. The first time it happened I told my sister because I did feel quite bad, she didn't help any because she looked at me with mockingly accusing eyes and said, "aww, leave him alone". 

The thing is I don't look at Brendan as being sick, I know he has a life threatening disease, and I know the treatment sucks [and it is only on his better days that he annoys me enough for me to get snappy with him]...but he is still my husband and we have a very normal relationship, he can p#:) me off without even knowing why, and I'm afraid I can't help him with that!
So I have come to the conclusion that if you think you can't fight with a cancer patient... you probably haven't lived with one, either that or Brendan has been unlucky enough to marry a woman with a cold, hard heart :/

So to all you carers out there, if you have had moments of anger and frustration with the one you love...take heart; at least I think you’re normal, and I can guarantee you without a doubt that the person that you love and are caring for has had those same feelings of anger and frustration toward you too. It is those that we love the most that we have truly to be ourselves with; honesty is not expected it's required. This in turn allows them to be the same way with us, and they need that more than anything.

I will work harder on "just for today I will not anger" all the same :)

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